Sometimes I think I have way to many mental problems.
Most people who know me and really know me, know that I don’t talk on the phone. I have never been the one to hang out on the phone. So to have a job where I would do nothing but talk on the phone for five hours straight. Well it was more than I can handle apparently…and as such a panic attack ensured.
What made it worst was that I felt like I had no choice but to go to this job. And I had no idea how long it was going to take for me to get enough money to get a car and look for something better. And then the things had happen in the last five years came rushing back and I just couldn’t do it.
I refused to go the job today. I felt bad that I was shucking out of my responsibilities but I just couldn’t do it. After the events at the orientation and the already uncomfortable feeling I was having from knowing what I was going to be doing for the job…no I just couldn’t do it.
And this point in my life I could really care less what others are going to think. I’m more than sure people (meaning my family on both sides) are comparing me to my dad. And that’s nothing new, I’ve always been compared to other people. And maybe that’s because I’m not like anyone in my family and they don’t seem to understand that. But if I always compare myself to other people then you know what I’m always going to fail in the end. I want a job because I want to have money to do things. I don’t want a job that is going to drain me of my life and spirit at the age of 23 just because everyone is like well it’s a job. I mean in my blood related family my father, my mother, and I are the only one’s to hold a degree from a 4 year school. And that says something about the mentality of my family. They don’t understand what it means to want to enjoy a career not a job. I’m not sure they know the difference, because they go from job to job. They have to, they have no choice. I went to college to have a choice.
I’m going back to school, and NO one in my family believes that or understand why I took the one year off. And no one has asked. No I haven’t gone to many family functions in this time that I’ve been off. But you know none of my family members have picked up the phone to call me and say “so how you doing?”. It’s always my responsibility to call them. I’ve been consistent in my oddness I’ve never randomly picked up a phone and called someone. Just never gonna happen, I don’t know why I have this aversion to the phone. I really do wish I knew why and how I could change it. Cause it puts a damper on friendships, I don’t keep long term friends because I suck at keeping in touch. Thank God for the intervention of the internet.
I’m just going to keep looking for work, and working on getting into school. A friend told me about the graduate assistantship deal, and if I could get that…that would be gravy. But I’ll just have to leave it up to the higher power that I’m doing the right thing.
B.J.
Bianco Jade